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About Literature / Hobbyist Edward DyerMale/United Kingdom Group :iconliterature-accepted: Literature-Accepted
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Thanks for contacting me! I hope you find my quick words helpful. The aspect that stands out the most for me here is the vision: it's a...

Hey there Jason, I’m back again from #GrammarNaziCritiques Since you’ve said that this is a true story, I’m sort of wary about critiqui...

:devgrammarnazicritques: here. I’m Ed, and I’ll be writing some detailed feedback on your work. I love the title, I think it works well...

Hey there, sorry it’s take me a while to get to this! But I said I’d read through it, and I have. I’ll start off by saying that you hav...

Proofreading and Editing for Literature

Hello there, my name is Ed and I work as a proofreader of prose literature here on deviantART. I've been editing short stories and novels for many years, but have only recently discovered how many pieces there are uploaded to dA. So far, I've critiqued over 200 pieces.

I will critique:
-Short stories
-Chapters Novels

I will not critique:
-Fan fiction (unless I've been contacted and I know of the subject)

Here are a few examples of my work:

Have a look through my Critiqued Literature Gallery to see everything I've proofread on deviantART: here!

Because of how varied different literature pieces can be, my rates vary. Generally, the cost ranges between:
Note: There is no flat rate that many other editors charge.
  • $2-3 (£1.50) per 1,000 words.
  • $5 (£3) per 1,000 words for pieces needing more depth/time.
  • Poems vary within this price range depending on length.
  • There may be a discount for full length novels (contact me for more details).

The Process
If you would like hire me under these conditions then the first step would be to send me a 'sample' of your work, along with how much detail you'd like from the critique (rewrite, comments only, grammar, suggestions, character work, narrative structure...) I will read through the sample (first chapter etc) and gauge how long it will take, as well as offering a price. If you are happy with that price and estimated time I will send you my paypal details. 
For one-off pieces: Half the agreed payment is sent before I start work, half once you have received the edited script.
For chaptered novels: After the first chapter is returned, payment for that chapter is sent. From then on, all payments should be sent before any more chapters are edited.

I prefer to work using the comments system on Microsoft Word, but I'm just as happy to use dA's commenting system to send your critique.

All rights to the work remain the property of the original author (you). All I ask is that I'm mentioned in any references to editing or general assistance :) (Smile)

If you have any questions feel free to contact me here (note) or through my email: 

The Fallen Star

When I first started writing this story, I didn't realise where it was going to take me. I started off with just a few words scrawled on a piece of paper about 'the light of a fallen star', which I then lengthened into the beginning of a short project at school. But, when that was done, I really wanted to carry on and find out what was going to happen next.

I kept writing, and now over 250k words later, here I am! Of course, that's spread over four books I've written so far.

My goal throughout this series to create a whole new world, with new plants, animals, places. From the very start, I knew I didn't want to steal ideas from others, such as Elves, Dwarfs, Hobbits etc. For example, The Fallen Star takes place on Truaine, MAP UPDATED one of three planets that are referenced throughout the book.

The first book is now officially FINISHED

Chapter 1:
Chapter 2:
Chapter 3:
Chapter 4:
Chapter 5:
Chapter 6:
Chapter 7:
Chapter 8:
Chapter 9:
Chapter 10:
Chapter 11:
Chapter 12:
Chapter 13:
Chapter 14:
Chapter 15:
Chapter 16:
Chapter 17:
Chapter 18:
Chapter 19:
Chapter 20:
Chapter 21:
Chapter 22:
Chapter 23:
Chapter 24:
Chapter 25:

The Fallen Star: Trapped Within Cover by TheFS

^^ The second book, The Fallen Star: Trapped Within, is underway...

TFS: Trapped Within is technically a two-parter, but will be uploaded as two 'books'. This means that the parts will be shorter than book one, but together, probably longer.

Chapter 1:
Chapter 2:
Chapter 3:
Chapter 4:
Chapter 5:
Chapter 6:
Chapter 7:
Chapter 8:
Chapter 9:
Chapter 10:
Chapter 11: [Coming Soon]
Chapter 12: [Coming Soon]
Chapter 13: [Coming Soon]
Chapter 14: [Coming Soon]
Chapter 15: [Coming Soon]
Chapter 16: [Coming Soon]
Chapter 17: [Coming Soon]
Chapter 18: [Coming Soon]
Chapter 19: [Coming Soon]

Please Write a Critique by LumiResources


The Watchers
Rantil - The main character.
Lakor - Rantil's friend, and colleague
Hamsol - Rantil and Lakor's teacher. He is teaching them the skills of the Watcher.

Saru - The leader of the village, Nichal
Ganarth - Second in command of the village
Bora - The Hunter
Qzen - The Doctor
Neetha - Rantil's neighbour
Neico - The Schoolteacher

Putoko - Rantil's best friend, when they were children
Yaneria - Putoko's sister

She - Leader of the Sett: the governing body of Truaine
Filoto - She's slave and cruel minion
Torku - Takes lead of the Council in the Watchers' absence

Kantou - Chalder from Ciameth, who comes to Truaine to correct a mistake she made
Ulmak - a powerful Ciamethian
Dawren - Kantou's father
Evron - Atarpa's brother

The Degarn (Book 3)
Atarpa - head of the Degarn, carries a great wisdom

The Demon - a demon from Dremnor, who seeks revenge for the inprisonment of his race
The General - Head of the Demon Army, which invades Truaine

Shieef - An old woman, living in the wilderness
Worral - A lost, alone man, who has kept and hidden the key to the Temple for many years
Bal'si - the Shaman of the Uraal-si'tu

There are plenty of other characters, but these are the important ones.


Hello there,

I am currently writing a 15,000 word stage script, based on the memories of a woman who suffers from amnesia after a crash. It focuses on keeping secrets and learning from the past. It will be sent as a docx file and should be annotated in return.

I would like some feedback, comments and some editorial suggestions. For this I am willing to pay US$75 (50), which would be transferred via paypal: $25 (15) sent with the script, and then up to $50 (35) upon completion.

I would like to see any other work that you've done before I commit to hiring you. This could be some in-depth critiques on DA or other work you've done elsewhere. The detail of your feedback will determine how much of the $50 you're sent after completion. I will be fair, but reserve the right to decline further payment if the feedback only offers general pointers or waffly comments that are unclear.

I would like you to comment on:
 Defined Characters and logical character decisions/actions
 Structure - in terms of logical chronology
 Unnatural dialogue
 Drops in pace
 Specific other comments

I would need your comments back by 5pm on Monday 31st August (BST).

Please get in touch with me via a note if you'd be able to help.

I'm in need of someone who can do a passable impression of Mark Twain for a project. I'm a drama teacher, due to one of the children dropping out of the class, I've decided to make the part a narrator, via the speakers.

I wouldn't be able to pay anything, but it's great experience and you will be credited for the short performance to friends and family.

There are about seven short lines to read and record. If you would like to help me out, please sent me a message and I'll send you the applicable sections of script.

Mark Twain impersonator:
by Edward Dyer
Day 28/28

Note. Whenever a character speaks, a spotlight lights them.

The chatter of a busy street.

TOURIST (Repeated) Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. Can I just… Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.

Presented on the stage is a single chair surrounded by a circle of another eight chairs, facing the audience. ADAM sits on the central chair, while the ENSEMBLE sit around the circle in the following order (clockwise, beginning at the chair furthest UCS):

2 – GIRL
3 – BOSS
4 – empty, except for a 7-year-old girl’s backpack draped across the back
7 – empty, except for a couple of crumpled scraps of paper and general litter
8 – WIFE

TOURIST Excuse me. Can you take my picture, please?


ADAM climbs backwards onto the seat of the chair and then climbs onto the back support. He is perilously close to losing his footing. The support creaks. He holds his breath and comes to a calm freeze. He falls forwards.

Lights out.

He comes back to sitting on the chair.

A baby’s cry echoes, completely out of place. Adam listens and bows his head, briefly.

ADAM That’s me. And I know exactly what sort of life he’s going to have. I can see it all – all of it. It’s a road. Filled with potholes and smooth driving. Stretching from birth to death in an unending highway of shit and magnificence.

The baby stops crying.

WIFE Come on, Adam. Please. Of course now is the right time!
ADAM Soon. It’ll be soon. Let’s just get a little more settled before we…
WIFE You know our first anniversary was last month.
ADAM Our wedding was in June?
WIFE No. When we moved into this place. We’ve always said we’d turn that spare room into a nursery.

At the same time:
WIFE Come on, Adam.
FRIEND Come on, Adam!

FRIEND Shots are only a quid tonight. It’s that new place, where Carnival used to be.
ADAM You know I’ve got lectures in the morning. Nine am.
FRIEND But it’s Amy’s birthday!
ADAM I’ve got an essay due…
FRIEND Stop worrying about it, bro.
ADAM Fine. But I’m leaving at one. A couple couldn’t hurt, I suppose.
GIRL You suppose?
ADAM No! I didn’t mean it like that.
GIRL You could’ve met me by the school gates you know.
ADAM I could?
GIRL Here’s fine though.
ADAM I dunno. I thought. I dunno.
GIRL Are you gonna kiss me, Adam?
ADAM What? No. I wouldn’t…
GIRL I wouldn’t mind. If you were thinking…

At the same time:
GIRL Is this your first time? Don’t worry.
BOSS This is your first time, isn’t it? There’s no need to worry.

BOSS It’s very simple.
GIRL Just, kiss me.
BOSS This is your work screen. It looks complicated, but it’s not. Are you listening? Good. Like I mentioned in the interview, it’s your job to monitor the overall usage against consumption. We’ll start you off with a relatively small catchment area, let’s say, Lower Basingstoke. They rarely exceed their quota, except maybe at peak times, before the morning rush, after Corrie, half time coffees, that sort of thing. We can siphon power from the grid – energy coming straight in from the offshore turbines. You can do that by pressing that button. Twenty-five thousand kilowatts each time. If you feel like you need more, use code five, four, eight to contact the hydraulic dam in Langley. They’ll be able to spot us for a while. All of this information is in the handbook.
TOURIST Excuse me.
BOSS I hope you’ve got it with you. You’re going to need it!
TOURIST Excuse me. Can you take my picture please?
BOSS Have you got it?
ADAM Yes, of course.
BOSS Excellent. It’s all quite simple when you’ve got the hang of it. Relax. You’ll do fine.
TOURIST Can you take my photo? Excuse me.

At the same time:
TOURIST Can you take my photo, please?
SISTER Take it already. I can’t smile forever.

ADAM Flash or no flash?
SISTER What does it matter? Just take the fucking photo, dick-brain.
ADAM Hold still then.
SISTER The flash didn’t go off.
ADAM Fuck off.
SISTER So, what’s this for? Something to remember me by?
ADAM Why, are you going somewhere?
SISTER Dick. Uni. You are.
ADAM And I’m sure you’ll be able to survive without my beautiful mug around the house.
SISTER Adam. Are you listening? Adam.

Are you listening to me?

ADAM Yes. I am, yes.

At the same time:
SISTER I’ll miss you, Adam. You’ll Skype me, everyday, won’t you?
BOSS Adam. Keep it steady. At around fifty. You’re spiking.

WIFE Adam! I’m pregnant. You’re going to be a father!
ADAM There’s something I need to do.


ADAM I have to find him.

A tape starts playing. MAN, who is emptying a series of wheelie bins into a garbage truck, talks through the tape recorder. Spotlight on the empty chair surrounded by litter.

MAN Oi, kid? What do you want? (Beat). Am I s’posed to know you or something?
MAN Then fuck off.
ADAM Are you James Horner?
MAN What’s it to you?
ADAM And you used to know someone called Susannah Porter.
MAN Fuck off, kid. I ain’t got time for this.
SISTER He obviously didn’t want to talk to you, Adam. Mum’ll kill you if she finds out you went looking for him.
FRIEND Leave him, bro. He’s a tosser, sounds like. Good job he left, I say.
ADAM Susannah. She remarried.
MAN Fuck off, kid. I won’t tell you again.
ADAM How could you leave her like that?
MAN I don’t know what you’re talking about.
ADAM You really don’t care, do you? What you did to her?
MAN If you don’t piss off right this second, kid, I’m not responsible for what happens next. Accidents happen.

Spotlight off the empty chair.

WIFE What were you expecting, Adam? Him to well up with tears at the sight of the son he left behind? You weren’t even born when he left. (She shifts uncomfortably) Adam? Adam! I think my water just broke. (She tenses and gasps) Adam!

A baby starts crying. ADAM suddenly overjoyed. He is close to tears. He tales his bay in his arms and the crying stops.

ADAM I know who are you. Come here, sweetie. Hello you. It’s nice to finally welcome you to the world. She’s so small. She’s so tiny. What if I drop her? No. No. Of course. Hello. Welcome to the world, Michelle. It won’t seem too long until your first word. Your first kiss.
GIRL Adam. Just, kiss me.
ADAM Of course, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
GIRL (Laughs). Urgh. What ever was that, Adam? (Look down at his crotch) Oh god, Adam. Seriously.
ADAM No, I just…
GIRL That’s just disgusting. Hey, Jodie! I got him to kiss me! Yeah. He’s such a loser.
ADAM But it doesn’t matter now. I’ve got you. I’ve got you, Michelle. This is good. This is good.

The baby vanishes.

BOSS Adam. Listen to me. Adam. You can’t keep turning up late. I’ve got a staff of eighteen people and if one of them doesn’t keep their eye on the job then we’re going to have outages. We don’t have outages around here. Not since I took charge. I’m not saying this is the end – but I need you to start taking more responsibility.
FRIEND Ah, so what, man! There’s plenty of other jobs out there. If he doesn’t think you’re up for it, then find something else.
BOSS You’re good at what you do, Adam. I just need some extra commitment.
FRIEND Let’s blow off our plans tonight and go for a drink, yeah?
BOSS Everyone on the team loves working with you. It’s a long time since Lower Basingstoke, eh? They all say you’re a down-to-earth guy. That’s what I need around here.
FRIEND No, no. I get it. That’s cool. You don’t need anyone, bro. Go fly solo for a bit. Stay home. Have a night in. Relax.
BOSS I can’t pester you to get the job done. Your reports at the end of your shifts aren’t consistent and it’s throwing all our estimates out. I feel like I have to badger you, all the time, and I shouldn’t have to.
FRIEND Watch a movie. Get a take away.
BOSS I can’t keep doing it, Adam. You arrive and I badger you.
FRIEND Have a wank.
BOSS Badger.
BOSS I know you’ve been having some other problems lately. I overheard you talking about it the other day. Something to do with your sister?

SISTER is curled up on her chair, crying.

SISTER Adam? Can you hear me? Are you there? Please pick up.
WIFE You’ve got to get back there. She’s called you four times this week. I think it’s really serious this time.
ADAM I can’t just leave you and Michelle.
WIFE Of course you can. Your sister is in trouble and she needs her big brother.

At the same time:
WIFE We can cope without you, for a few days at least.
SISTER I thought I could cope without you. Adam. Adam.

SISTER Can you hear me? I don’t know what to do. I need help.
WIFE You told her, right at the start. That guy she was dating was trouble.
ADAM She said he’d changed. She said he loved her.
WIFE If you love someone, you don’t send them to hospital Christmas Eve. She blacked out. God knows what he’s done this time. She needs your help, Adam. She’s scared and alone and she’s got no one else to turn to. Take my car. If you leave now you’ll get there before it gets dark.
ADAM Ok. I’ll be back in a few days. Ok, Michelle, you be a good girl for Mummy.
WIFE She’s always a good girl, aren’t you, sweetie?
SISTER Adam, where are you? I need you to help me. I don’t know what to do.
WIFE Michelle. Come back here. Daddy will be back soon. Stay away from the road. Michelle!

ADAM lunges forwards to try and pull his daughter away from the path of an oncoming car. Tyres screech and there is a thump. A spotlight appears simultaneously on the empty seat with the backpack on it.

SISTER Adam, are you on your way? What’s taking you so long?


ADAM Is anyone sitting here?
WIFE No, no. Go ahead.
ADAM Thanks.


WIFE Do you need the paper? Today’s paper. The guy before you left it here. I’ve been using it to prop up my laptop.
ADAM No, thanks though.


WIFE No, no. You’ve got it all wrong.
ADAM It all sounds too complicated to me.
WIFE It only matters once economic growth hits three percent. Any lower than that and inflation can’t take hold. Take Lincolnshire for example, without a growth rate of at least two point four percent, the…
ADAM Another coffee?
WIFE Sure. Thank you.


WIFE I’ve got to go. I’ve already stayed later than I should.
ADAM Yeah, me too.
WIFE I’ll see you next week. Same time. I’ll be here.
ADAM How about tomorrow?
WIFE My place.

Silence. Spotlight off the empty chair.

Adam. You need to listen to me.

WIFE I wish she hadn’t run after you, Adam.
BOSS I’m sorry to hear what happened.
WIFE I don’t know you’re thinking and I’m so worried about you.
BOSS Life goes on.

Are you listening?


At the same time:
WIFE We can’t carry on like this.
BOSS I can’t let this continue.

At the same time:
BOSS It’s been three months.
WIFE It’s been six months Adam. You can’t just lock yourself away like this. We both need to pick ourselves up and carry on. You were a great Dad.

FRIEND Hi, Adam. I’m just calling, again. Just to see if you’re alright. I haven’t seen you since the, you know. There were plenty of people there. I’m just worried about you. You’re so…
WIFE You’ve been…
BOSS You’re…

At the same time:
FRIEND …out of it.
BOSS …unresponsive.
WIFE …vague.

BOSS And I can’t have that. Not here.
WIFE Adam. Things have changed.
FRIEND Come on. You’ve got to look forwards.
BOSS Life goes on Adam. It always does. But I’ve already given you enough second chances.
WIFE What about your sister? She’s still with that twat-head. She needs you just as much as I do.
BOSS I’m sorry Adam, I really am. But I think it’s best if you pack up your things.
FRIEND Ring me as soon as you get this. Maybe we can go for a pint?
WIFE Because… we’re not the same any more. And you know what’s worse?
BOSS I’m sorry, Adam.
WIFE You’re not even going to fight to make it better again. You’re just going to let it all end. We’ve both lost our child, Adam. But now we’re going to lose each other, too.

A baby starts crying again.

ADAM That’s me. And I know exactly what sort of life he’s going to have. I can see it all – all of it. It’s nothing but potholes in the road. Birth to death on an unending highway of shit.

The baby stops crying and the sound of the busy streets returns. ADAM stands.

ADAM And what do I have to show for it? Why should I believe in myself when no one else does?

The ENSEMBLE repeat the following lines quietly and sporadically. The pace quickens until it’s a loud, uncomfortable voice in ADAM’s ear.

GIRL I got him to kiss me. Yeah. He’s such a loser.
BOSS Life goes on Adam. It always does.
SISTER Don’t ever leave me alone again.
FRIEND You don’t need anyone, bro. Go fly solo.
MAN I’m not responsible for what comes next. Accidents happen.
WIFE You’re not even going to fight. You’re just going to let this end.

ADAM climbs onto the back of the chair, facing the audience. When the chaos has built for several seconds, he puts his hands out in front of himself and grabs onto an imaginary rail. The ENSEMBLE falls silent.

ADAM I just want someone to stop me, and ask me if I’m alright. I’ll tell them the truth. All of it. No. I’m not alright. And I won’t jump.
TOURIST Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.

ADAM looks down and out to the audience.

TOURIST Isn’t the view amazing? Would you mind taking my photo, please?

ADAM and the ENSEMBLE gasp and hold their breaths. ADAM lets go of the rail and falls backwards. The audience should feel the effect of him falling. Before he hits the ground: blackout.
Day 28 - Tomorrow
Day 28/28 - beginnings

Uploaded as part of the 28 Plays Later challenge.…
by Edward Dyer
Day 27/28

NOTE: Speech in brackets should not be spoken; they are for the actor’s benefit.

A father and daughter. He is reading a newspaper. She is eating her dinner.

- Daddy, I want some ice cream.
- When you’ve finished your dinner, dear.

- Daddy, Mum says you’re lazy.
- You’ll be lazy one day, dear.

- Daddy, this water tastes funny.
- Stop drinking from the dog’s bowl, dear.

- Daddy, where to babies come from?
- Ask your mother, dear.

- Daddy, am I an angel?
- You are to me, dear.

- Daddy, where does the sun go when it’s dark?
- The sun needs sleep, too, dear.

- Daddy, is that man sleeping on the street?
- He doesn’t have a home and a bed like you, dear.

Pause. She stops eating.

- Why?
- Because, dear, he can’t afford a house of his own.

- Why can’t I stay up late, Daddy?
- Because, dear, you need time to grow big and strong.

- Why does that woman have a moustache like you, Daddy?
- Because, dear, she’s old.

- Why do I have to eat my carrots, Daddy?
- Because, dear, then you’ll be able to see in the dark.

Pause. She stops eating.

- Why?
- Because, dear, there’s something in the carrots that makes your eyes stronger.
- Why?
- Because as they were growing, they absorbed it from the ground.
- Why?

Pause. He stops reading.

- Why can’t I see my own eyes?
- Because you’re looking (out of them).
- Why don’t we fall off the world as it spins?
- Because of a thing called (gravity).
- Why can’t I go to prison?
- You could but only (for a visit).
- Why can’t I ride in the boot when you take me to school?
- I wouldn’t be a very good (father if I let you).
- Why do my ears hurt when you sing?
- I didn’t think my singing (was that bad).
- Why can’t I see my words when they come out?
- You can’t see words because…
- Why am I so small?


- Because you’re still young.


- If I asked you why you loved me, what would you say?


- Why?
- Because I love you, Daddy.
Day 27 - Why?
Day 27/28 - redo a previous challenge

Uploaded as part of the 28 Plays Later challenge.…
by Edward Dyer
Day 26/28

Two actors are sitting on the edge of a cliff. They look down below for a moment. Then up. Down. Up. At each other.

YES. I’ve heard about lemmings.
NO. Lemmings?
YES. They all follow each other off cliffs. If one jumps, then so do all the rest.
NO. I’m not sure that’s exactly true.
YES. Yes. Yes it is.
NO. No. No it’s not.
YES. I can think of 250 ways that cats could commit suicide.
NO. But only 241 ways in which they could.
YES. Yes.
NO. Taking into account the first 9 lives they wasted trying, and failing, that leaves them with only 241.
YES. I agreed with you.
NO. Except that’s not quite true anyway. It only takes 1 success to be successful, so really, any cat, at any time, would only need 10 possible suicide attempts before they could finally do it.
YES. Yes.
NO. And even then, they could attempt the same thing 10 times before their luck ran out. I just guess it depends on how suicidal this particular cat was. Say, for a moment. He could take a gun and shoot himself in the head 10 times. That final bullet would be the one to do it. Finally end it all.
YES. Well, if we’re going to get logical about this: a cat wouldn’t be able to carry a gun.
NO. Carry, no. But maybe fire.
YES. It’s like a giraffe trying to hang itself. Can’t be done.
NO. Yes.
YES. Exactly.
NO. Or an ostrich being buried up to its neck in sand.
YES. Or a fish being drowned.
NO. I don’t think that’s specific to fish. There are plenty of things that you wouldn’t be able to drown.
YES. Although, come to think of it. If the fish was suicidal, I guess it would just hold its breath and…
NO. Do fish have lungs?
YES. Although, come to think of it. I guess if a fish was trying to commit suicide it would just swim up onto land.
NO. Unless you’re a goldfish.
YES. A goldfish?
NO. Yes.
YES. No.
NO. Yes! A goldfish might forget what it was doing, and realise that actually, “I didn’t want to die. Just because I wasn’t invited to that party, it doesn’t mean I want to follow the crowd, be a lemming all my life.” Maybe being a goldfish is the way forward.
YES. Ok.
NO. Let’s both be goldfish from now on.


YES. I’ve heard about lemmings.
NO. Lemmings?
Day 26 - Lemmings
Day 26/28 - something that doesn't quite make sense

Uploaded as part of the 28 Plays Later challenge.…


TheFS's Profile Picture
Edward Dyer
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United Kingdom
I've spent the last few years writing a full length novel called 'The Fallen Star'. I've reached a point where I really need some feedback, so I thought I'd come to one of the best known sites on the web =)

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Walt-Marsters Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2015
Happy birthday! :party:
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Thank you for watching and supporting me, I really do appreciate it :) (Smile)
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Thanks =D
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