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ONE

The faint glow of the moon and of the stars shone over the Woodlands of Liaport. Shadows crept between the huddling trees that rose and fell with the rugged land; small clifftops, rising crests and sunken valleys were remnants of the Valkar Mountains many leagues to the north.

Darkness shrouded the damp, soil floor, giving the shrieks and howls of lurking creatures full reign over the otherwise silent night. The never-ending fight for survival battled on through the woodland groves and raging rapids of the River Owk. Liaport was ancient. And so were the animals that lived there.

The already freezing wind sent a sudden chill through the wood. Unseen hands ravaged treetops and snatched away the withering leaves of the toughest of trees. The Triali season, the coldest season of the year, was quickly approaching and it wouldn’t be long before the forest was buried beneath a deep layer of ice and snow.

One tree, however, blossomed in the depths of the woodlands and was thriving in the cold. Standing in the centre of a sheltered clearing, where it was bathed in the light of the moon, an ancient Capun Tree swayed gently. Its yellow leaves were pale against the night. Dark scars laced its slender white trunk where the sap had been collected to stem fresh wounds and heal the sick.

Surrounded by the advancing wilderness, a burook soared from the darkness. Flapping its ruffled black wings, the bird rose higher into the midnight air. With a dive, it perched itself in the high boughs of the Capun Tree. Picking at its claws with its sharply curved beak, it eyed the night. Then, as the burook extended its rough feathers it squawked towards the sky, loud enough for all to hear. Before its echo faded, it took flight again, tearing some of the delicate amber leaves from the very top branch.

They whirled up into the crisp night air. Though, as the wind waned and they floated back down, a wrinkled fist lashed out from the shadows and snatched them away. A woman, short and stout, smiled a blackened smile and shoved the leaves into her pocket. Neglected and covered in soil, her coat was hardly enough to protect her from the cold, but she pulled it tighter around her bulky waist and flicked the hood across her matted hair. Her face was young, but there was enough wisdom in her eyes for a thousand lifetimes.

She grunted back at the sight of the frail tree before reaching down and pulling a large brown sack over her crooked shoulder. Inside, were three dead ulathu cubs. Their long, naked ears drooped out of the bag and flapped from side to side with every uneven step the woman took from the clearing. The Capun Tree was left alone.

In the heart of the wilderness, there was no path to guide her back home in safety. Ground-moss covered the floor, rocks and rotting branches blocked her way and the lumbering sounds of creaking trees masked the approaching predators of Liaport’s night.

Hours passed. The weight of the sack was bearing heavy on her old shoulders.

The woodlands had been her home for countless years and even though the murky darkness, and what was lurking within, no longer scared her, she still felt more at ease inside her cabin. So when she could finally see the distant glow of her home, nestled amongst the tight thickets, she heaved the sack higher and moved a little faster.

Trees towered at a great height above her hovel, which beckoned the woman home with the gentle glow of firelight. Like her waist, the circular cabin bulged outwards. The chimney leant askew and smoke rose in awkward plumes into the night. Vines grew from the hut’s foundations, wound up the stone and wormed their way inside through the gap just below the roof. The woman paused, long enough to drop the sack to the floor.

She bent down with a groan and pulled the first ulathu cub from the bag. She lifted it into the light. A few moments passed when she gazed into the large, long-clouded eyes of the infant carcass. Carefully, she stroked its fine fur before tying its fleshy ears in a tight knot around a line stretching across from the cabin to a nearby tree. The cub’s long legs hung downwards sadly and a few drops of blood dripped to the bare-mud floor below.

Just as she was tying the last to the line, a faint scratching caught her ear. She glanced over to her cabin. The door was ajar. Grumbling at the back of her throat, she spat downwards, hoisted herself up the few steps to the door and eased it open. It creaked, but not loudly enough to disturb a wild vunaki at the back of the room, clawing at the base of a heavy barrel.

The vunaki’s fur was the darkest shade of black, except for a faint grey tuft leading down its spine from the crown of its head. Its ears pointed forwards but pricked up every single time it scraped at the floor. Uneven grating echoed against the gentle crackle of firelight, which lit the room in a bath of warmth.

The woman moved inside.

Beneath her feet, the floorboards groaned. Only then did the vunaki flinch. It swung is head round to face the door, and face the woman. There was no light in the eyes of the creature; the firelight barely reflected from the darkness. It hissed loudly, arched its slender back and stood on the end of its paws. The woman ignored the vunaki’s warning and took a step forwards. Even though it was one of the smaller members of the edapar family, its fangs were still vicious and sharp. With a bound, it leapt in the other direction.

Spit sprayed across the room when the woman declared, “Aye, I’ll get yer this time.”

She ambled closer, holding out her bony, grime-covered hands. The vunaki darted beneath her legs, and jumped up onto a cabinet behind the woman with nimble footing. She stumbled as she tried to turn, and had to steady herself on a large vat of foul smelling tree sap.

Glancing down to between the barrel and the wall, she noticed a long length of metal tubing. She reached out, as slowly and subtly as she could, and took hold of its rough, rusted surface. The vunaki had very little time to react when she twisted round, fist clenched, and swung the pipe down into the top of the cabinet.

Pain echoed through the woodlands. The vunaki crumpled to the floor with a broken leg.

The woman growled and smiled.

Blood traced the vunaki’s slow retreat to the door. It whimpered and wailed, dragging its broken body towards the coldness of the wild shadows beyond the cabin. The woman prodded the creature’s shattered chest for a second time. “Go on, get outta here,” she hollered.

Wounded and alone, the vunaki returned to Liaport. It would be easy prey for the creatures – primal and evil – that called the shadows their home. Its whimpers faded and the woman dropped the bloodied pipe to the ground. She shuffled to the door, slammed it shut, and slid across the heavy lock with a dull clunk.

She turned back. For a few seconds she lost her thoughts to the light of the fire, burning with ageless beauty in the centre of the room on a stone plinth. The heart of the flames surrounded her mind and body and welcomed her home. The shadows of Liaport were always present, but so too were the warming flames of the fire.

Life returned to her body. She took off her coat, revealing tattered grey robes, hung it on the back of the door and ambled over to the darkest corner of the cabin.

For the last few nights, something in the air was changing. It was a feeling she remembered from far in her past: back to a time where her joy was overshadowed with dread. The feeling in her heart forewarned her of some dark secret, long lost to the world.

She bent down beside a large, darkwood set of drawers. The bottom drawer was filled with various scraps of cloth, which she rummaged through with growing anxiety. Each time she lifted a piece and rubbed it between her fingers, she threw it behind her and grumbled, “Where is it?”

In panic, she pulled the drawer off its rails and upturned it. Cloth washed the floor and spilled out into the cabin. “I know there’s some left…”

One by one, she scoured the pile.

She looked up, inadvertently, when a small shred of fabric caught her eye. Trapped behind the drawer and wedged at the back of the cabinet was a small patch of cloth, which shone unnaturally in the flickering light of the fire. She pulled it loose.

It was the last fragment of the Cloak of Armaru, a long forgotten Leader of Truaine, the world the woman called home. The mysterious Trall’ut gave the Cloak to him, as a gift, said to contain the power of Sight. He used it with wisdom and valour, to guide his people into an age of prosperity and true values. When he died, the Cloak was placed in his Crypt, a tomb hidden to all but those who knew his secrets.

After tonight, the Cloak would finally be destroyed.

But there was more than just ancient attire in the woman’s home. Her cabin was filled with all manner of relics and trinkets from every Age of Truaine. Decorations littered every corner, chronicling the Years of Sancut, the Rising from Darkness over eighteen thousand years ago, to the present day. Her collection had grown so vast that it had burst from the cupboards and shelves, onto the floor and into a small cellar below the cabin.

The shelves were stacked full of small, ornately carved boxes, containing the most precious of treasures. Maps and fading tapestries hung from the walls and depicted battles long since over. Crates lined all corners, broken and unable to hold their contents. Various chimes and nightcatchers hung from wooden overhead beams, carefully built to let the heat of the fire rise from the centre of the room and let smoke billow into the dark. Flames spread sprawling shadows throughout the cabin and created darkness between old boxes, where forgotten charms had fallen.

She pushed the last scrap of the Cloak into her breast pocket and took an old wax candle off a nearby shelf. When she rubbed the wick between her fingers, it ignited.

Bending down was awkward, but she managed to bare it long enough to brush stray leaves away to uncover a hidden trapdoor. Its hinges squealed when she pulled on the small metal ring that revealed a bowed ladder below. Resting the trapdoor against a crate, she gazed into the damp darkness of her cellar.

As soon as she reached the bottom, she lifted her candle and faced her trove. Much like the cabin above, it was small and crammed with relics and odd boxes. Before she could become too overwhelmed by the smell of stagnant water, she rushed to find what she sought.

She reached over to an assortment of jars and, mumbling, read the faded labels aloud, “Po’raivo, Jennica Oil, Arpi Scar… ah, Hukum Bark.”

After placing the candle down on the shelf, she took the jar in both hands. The lid held strong with a mossy growth, but eventually she pried it open. With the Cloak laid out on her palm, she sprinkled some of the ground bark into the middle of the fabric. When she was satisfied she had enough, she folded the Cloak back up and replaced it to her pocket.

She returned the jar to the others and lifted the candle back off the shelf.

Just as she turned to leave, something glowed in the far corner of the cellar. She closed her eyes and hoped that the light at the back of the shelf would fade and leave her in peace. It didn’t. She stared at it for several seconds, certain now that something in the air was changing. The feeling returned to her with double the intensity as before. Dread twisted her stomach.

The light reminded her of the darkest time in her life. She had hidden the object underground for a reason. It was the only thing in her collection she couldn’t explain. It contained a beauty that could taint the hearts of the bravest and a power that could tempt the minds of the wisest. She didn’t have the ability to control it. She only knew one man who could.

The ladder creaked. The trapdoor swung shut. The candle went out.

Dread was settled deeply in her mind.

It took a moment for her to regain her composure and settle her quivering legs. She took a breath into the depths of her lungs and sighed as if to purge the fear from her thoughts. Slowly, she pulled the Cloak back from her pocket and placed it on a nearby table, beside a short length of green twine.

She made her way around the fire and returned to her coat, hanging on the back of the door. She delved into the pocket and drew out several of the leaves from the Capun Tree. But, as she hobbled back to the table, she crushed them in her hand. With a delicate shake, she sprinkled them across the bark, already resting on the fabric. Using the twine, spun from the vines outside, she tied the corners of the Cloak together to create a small bag. She knotted the twine tightly and grunted.

The last thing she did before coming to the fireside was dunk the bottom half of the bag into a bucket of sap beneath her desk. She gazed at the thick, orange liquid coating the bag for a second before tossing it into the flames. It disappeared from sight as the blaze engulfed the small capsule.

No sooner had she done so, violent wind shook the cabin. Where the flames were once gentle, fire erupted into the air. She was knocked back by a surge of heat and tumbled to the floor. Through oily hair, she looked on in horror.

Wind rocked the cabin, pitching the roof from side to side. At any moment, she thought it was going to fall. Flames scorched the floorboards beyond the protection of the plinth, forcing the woman to scramble backwards to avoid being burnt. She clambered under the desk and cowered in fear. This wasn’t the first time she had used the Cloak in this way, but never before had it been this violent.

Something was different this time.

The flames licked at the ceiling and, through the heat of her blind confusion, she stared at a vision within the heart of the fire.

She saw a star. She saw it falling from the far reaches of the sky.

It streaked over Truaine, shining ever more brightly as it streamed through the high atmosphere. Light danced around inside the rock until it jolted and veered off course. With the force of a hundred suns, it crashed into the ground, uprooting trees and devastating the landscape for many leagues. Light pierced through the flames from the heart of the fallen star and blinded the woman to its might.

The fire raged on in the hearth and crackling sparks leapt from within the flames. The beams above caught alight in the blaze, and were soon aglow with burrowing orange embers and white ash. The woman fought against her mind’s will to stare into the soul of the fire, but she couldn’t resist.

Beyond what seemed like the brightness of day, beyond the world she knew, beyond everything, were they eyes of a demon. Staring down at her through eyes throbbing with rage, its evil swept through the curtain of heat and managed to blacken the flames and turn day into night. The demon longed for revenge, to feed its hunger and quench its satisfaction.

She cowered beneath the table in fear, and cried out for the first time in all the years she’d lived in Liaport. Sweat dribbled down her brow. The cabin shook again in the sudden storm of black flames, which was devouring everything around her. Relics fell and shattered. Tapestries unravelled and burned. Her breath was stolen.

But she managed to look back at the fire at one final image.

Smoke rose from huge fires that burnt through the night, lighting the great capital city of Siale in insatiable flames. Townsfolk were running from their homes, screaming and shouting with all the fear their hearts could bear. Blood ran through the streets, and seeped into the River Owk that ran through the city. The water stained red. Even the prestigious Regallum, the royal palace, was ablaze with dark black smoke that veiled the city under an eternal shroud.

The cabin shuddered as the beams holding up the ceiling groaned with the heat of the fire. The woman looked up, just as the largest beam gave way to the flames and let the heavy, wooden roof collapse inwards, burying her inside a fiery coffin.

She closed her eyes and covered her head with her hands.

But in the moments that followed there was no explosion of light as she imagined. There was no searing sense of pain as the fire consumed what was left of her life. She tried to slow her breathing, which was loud in her ears, and listen.

She opened her eyes.

She saw her cabin just as it was. The beam across the ceiling held strong and the fire was nothing but a few gentle flames, lapping around the logs at the centre of the plinth. Above all else, there was silence.

But even though there was no sign of what had happened, she couldn’t forget the things she’d seen. The vision in the heart of the fire. The Cloak of Armaru was said to contain the power of Sight: the gift of future visions.

The woman had seen exactly that.

And she was terrified.
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My work, including the cover image, may not be reproduced, copied, edited, published, transmitted in any way without my permission.

MAJOR UPDATE: I have recent scoured through, taking everything that everyone has said into consideration and have completely rewritten this chapter with new phrasing. I have removed the underlined definitions because some people found it too distracting. I have, however, added more on what this world looks like in regards to animals. You can still read the old version here.

Siale was no longer safe for the Watchers; they were forced to flee from the city. Little did Rantil know that his life was going to change forever. He was about to be caught in an age-old battle between the Chalders of Ciameth and the Demons of Dremnor. He was Truaine's only hope.

Join him on his journey across Truaine; through the memories he'd rather forget, over vast mountain ranges and eventually beneath the Phayorian Mountains in ancient tunnels - created when the world was so much more than it has become.

The Fallen Star would change everything.


Visit the Map of Truaine.

<<< The Fallen Star <<< --|||-- >>> Chapter 2 >>>
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsenex-de-umbris:
Dear TheFS,

there a lot of good things about this first chapter, but also some points needing improvement. As you requested, I'll pay special attention to how your setting works; but first things first.

What I like especially about this is your descriptive and colourful language while describing the general setting and the environment; sentences and expressions like "[...]huddling trees that rose and fel with the rugged land" or "ground-moss coated the floor, rocks and rotting branches obstructed[...]". One of my personal favourites is "The shelves were stacked full of small, ornately carved boxes[...]", that paragraph is just perfect! Your writing style is extremely atmospheric and pulls the reader right in, which is just perfect for any writer. Special mention goes to accents - accents are a wonderful thing adding a lot of personality, and I like that. Keep it up - but remember to pay attention to getting things right.

As for critique, I'll just start with the most important question: Does your new world work?
As many others already pointed out, your world is not really "new"; it is earthly with unearthly names. This is a core element many a High Fantasy writer uses, but unfortunately, this egregious use of foreign sounding words is off-putting for many new readers, especially those not familiar with High Fantasy. The problem here is that you can't just throw in your reader like that, even if you'll explain stuff later; sadly, non-visual media like books have that crucial weakness.
Don't get me wrong, your thick atmosphere enables this to work - somehow, for readers used to Fantasy - but what you really need to do is show.
Describe your world more, either through the use of an audience surrogate or personal thoughts of the protagonist; paint your world, show your reader what you mean! Don't just tell she's carrying ulathu cubs, but show me what they look like! Don't just tell me Triali season is approaching, but show me how it differs from the current season! More wind? More rain? Tentacles splurting out of the ground?

If you have trouble with this because you can't describe what the reader can't see, just run with unearthly things - use the same trick Sir Arthur Conan Doyle used: Say you didn't write the story, but say you just translated it. That way, you are able to put it for example footnotes describing stuff while drawing comparisons like "To an earth human, this would look like a pig with terribly long ears, but it's a _".
Or you just stay down-to-earth and call a rabbit a rabbit and not a smeerp, and keep the foreign sounding words for elements crucial and special to the setting like the magic MacGuffin of magicness or town names.
The trick is the right mixture between known and unknown elements; wether you just stay with Fanatsy or go with High Fantasy is your decision. And remember: A Fantasy setting is not Fantasy because it has orcs or dwarfs or whatever, but because of elements like magic and magic creatures.

So much for the biggest point of this critique; but there's another thing I'd like to bring to your attention:
Firstly, I noticed that you do take your time telling your story; your pacing is quite slow. While not a bad thing in itself, readers with less stamina might give up.
Maybe not shortening the chapter in itself, but playing more with words and rethorics might help? That way, you keep the readers attention while at the same time adding even more character to your already decent writing style.

On that topic, I already like your straight-forward writing style and your use of descriptive adjectives. I enjoy that your story starts out like a classic, good old Fantasy story - it just gives me that epic feeling of Fantasy, and that is awesome. Also, the sheer magnitude of your work is pretty impressive. Plus, you have almost no grammar or other mistakes - wonderful!

In conclusion: Your writing style is atmospheric and very fantasy-esque, but to make your world work better, you need to add more description, (or) an audience surrogate, (or) a method to draw comparisons between that world and ours, (or) a good mixture of known and foreign elements. (Or all of the above).
Keep up the good work!
I hope I could help you out.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
8 out of 8 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconwalt-marsters:
So, we're off to a very good start here. You clearly have a great talent for describing landscapes, interiors and characters. It does not only create a vivid image of what is going on, it also creates a great atmosphere that sets the mood just right for what is to come.
Pacing of the story is just right, as far as I'm concerned. It's quite calm, even a little slow at the start, but that fits perfectly with the character that is featured. Although her actual age is somewhat unclear (youg face, old eyes), I don't exactly imagined her frolicking lightfooted through the forest.
The pace picks up at just the right moment, i.e. the 'imaginary' destruction of the hut, which was again expertly done. That promises a lot of good for future action scenes!
Clearly, you are trying to create your very own world, using animals and plants that don't exist in the real one. That can help to add a lot of atmosphere and originality to the story, but could be difficult to maintain throughout the story. If you use them a lot, people may find it difficult to expect 'normal' animals to pop up. E.g. can you still have a horse or a chicken come into view, if the rest of the world is populated by burooks, ulathus and what have you? But, I think that's really just a minor issue. I liked the "help" feature, explaining what those animals look like. Otherwise, it might have been a bit more confusing to know whether we are dealing wit an eagle or a sparrow sized animal.
Looking forward to reading the next chapter!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner May 3, 2013   Writer
Hi,
I featured you in my journal: [link]
Reply
:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:)

thanks!
Reply
:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner May 1, 2013   Writer
Hi, this is a critique on behalf of #GrammarNaziCritiques.

I normally do critiques and add a pdf file pointing out where I would suggest changes, but your writing is nearly flawless. The description flows very well and overall the piece is very interesting and well written.

I enjoyed the piece, and although I think you use really good description, I think the "hook" for me came quite a bit later in the piece, when the woman pops up. Maybe it's worth thinking about the order of your paragraphs so we're hooked at the very beginning. I don't mean you should get rid of anything, just that maybe you should rearrange bits.

Also, I think you should work on the description on some of the trees and animals you create, because you say things like it has brown fur and sharp teeth but I'm sort of imagining a cat that just has a different name - or maybe i'm just slightly inexperienced with this type of literature. Although, after reading I saw the note in the comments section to show us the animals etc so i guess that if that always accompanied the text it'd be fine.

This goes for some other things you've mentioned, although seeing as though this is a novel, i'm guessing you will develop on these later on in the text.

Overall, I think this is a very interesting and well written piece! Well done!
Reply
:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the critique, sorry it's taken me so long to get time to reply to it!

It's been a lot of hard work to try and figure out how to explain what these animals, trees, etc look like. When I started writing, I didn't know much about the techniques of story telling. For example, I did away with the 'traveller'. In hindsight, that was probably a mistake! It means that I want to try and talk about things in a way that I assume the reader would know - but I can't. My descriptions reflect that.

I've been working recently to try and 'fix' some of the unclear descriptions, but it's hard work!

Thanks again!
Reply
:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013   Writer
No problem!

Fantasy novels seem SO hard to write, but in project educate's story planning week, there was a really interesting piece on world building so maybe that's worth taking a look at :)
Reply
:icondragonawakener:
dragonawakener Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013
I'll be critiquing this on behalf of :iconsuperwritershelp:

I see that you already have many critiques, and have since revised this piece, so I will try to ignore the previous feedback and comment as though it's not there.

Your description of the woman is confusing. When you first describe her, I thought she was of middle age and led a hard life making her wiser and aged beyond her years, but later you describe her as old. I think a simple addition here, "An elderly woman, short and stout," is the best way to correct that image.

Here "Ground-moss covered the floor, and here "The woman paused, long enough to drop the sack to the floor. you use the word floor which I feel is an inappropriate word, as it denotes being inside a building or structure. Ground or dirt may be better substitutes.

Here, you say "The mysterious Trall’ut gave the Cloak to him, yet you don't say what the Trall'ut are. I think a very brief description within the sentence itself would be nice. Otherwise, it's not worth mentioning.

Your descriptions are rich and have a depth that many stories on DeviantArt lack due to their shortness. There's something classic in your style that I find both familiarizing and refreshing.

You obviously put a good deal of time and care in your writing, and this story draws the reader into this world. We instantly have a vision of this place, the animals and the woman.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, and I will be sure to check out the rest.

I think you did an excellent job.
Reply
:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the critique!

I'm sorry the description of the woman is confusing. There's meant to be a bit of ambiguity surrounding her age. She is old, but she's also got a middle-aged look for various plot line reasons. You're not quite meant to know, especially in this chapter. Would it work better if I describe her as old, but then have her moving and fighting the vunaki in a way that suggests that maybe she's not so old (so she has goos agility etc)? Or would that still make it conflicting and confusing?

I see what you mean about the 'floor'. I'll change that in future drafts.

In regards to the 'Trall'ut' I mentioned them as a hint to something that could happen in future. I realise that I could explain them in a little more detail, but that sort of negates the point of calling them 'mysterious' haha

I did try and heave quite a lot of description into this first chapter to make it as atmospheric as I could. Some people have found that it's too much before, so I'm glad you think that this recent revision works. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, too. That makes me happy =)

Thanks again!
Reply
:icontekeomiona:
TekeoMiona Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Student Writer
"Slowly, the pulled the Cloak back from her pocket and placed it on a nearby table, beside a short length of green twine." The first 'the' should be a 'she'.

"...its evil sept through the curtain of heat..." I do believe it should be 'seeped' or 'swept', whichever action you were going for. 'Sept' is a clan originally in Ireland.

"...was ablaze with dark black smoke the veiled the city under an eternal shroud." 'the veiled' should be 'that veiled'.

This is a great start of what I'm sure is an interesting story. Beyond the small word mistakes above, I can't really find much else. All that's left is simply growing with your own practice. Can't wait to read the rest of it. :)
Reply
:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the comment, after rewriting the whole chapter I tried so hard to get rid of all the typos. But some were bound to get through anyway! So you were very helpful!
Reply
:icontekeomiona:
TekeoMiona Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Student Writer
Trust me, I know. Every time I got back an read something I wrote, no matter how many times, I always seem to find something.XD
Reply
:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I don't know if you already have, but there's a group called #GrammarNaziCritiques that I work for. They critique everything they're submitted, so it's worth sending anything you have to them.

It's worth a shot anyway =D
Reply
:icontekeomiona:
TekeoMiona Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Student Writer
Cool! Thanks. :)
Reply
:icontekeomiona:
TekeoMiona Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Student Writer
Wow. I found this from your comment on #Authors-Club and was going to offer you submit it to my own group, which is specialized in helping would be published authors polish their style. It doesn't have to be the exact book their publishing (reasons being there are lots of lazy thieves out there) but just anything they can use for practice.

But...it seems you have plenty of feedback already. Definitely more than I can get. I practically have to BEG people to criticize my work, they usually just fav. or scream 'Continue!!'. Don't suppose you have a secret? ^_^
Reply
:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You can still offer haha
I still would like all the feedback I can get, especially since I've just rewritten this chapter based on all the feedback I've had so far.

It's a really tough job trying to get people to read through your work. The best I've found so far is just to read other peoples' work first and hopefully they'll return the favour. If you help them, maybe they'll help you sort of thing...
Reply
:icontekeomiona:
TekeoMiona Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Student Writer
Lol, well if you wanna join, the group's #How-To-Write-A-Book. But I just made it yesterday, so there's really no one in it yet.

And yeah, I've done that. Still iffy though. Oh well.
Reply
:iconkathraw:
KathraW Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
Okay, I'm going to type as I read so sorry if it seems random.

I noticed one thing off the bat, the underlining. I understand you feel the need to explain more thoroughly of these words, but you already have so much wonderful imagery that these are actually unnecessary. Plus, if you decide to get it published, these descriptions will become nothing more than a nuisance to the reader. They want to read and truly understand without needing a definition. You have a wonderful skill in imagery, don't ruin the feel of the page with the description links. Just explain through the text, you see? If you did that, it would be beautiful.

Now who is this woman grabbing leaves all angrily? That's not nice. Ah, so she's wise? Maybe these leaves were meant for something... Ew, now she grabbed dead bodies. I'm not sure about this one. Oh, she lives in the woods. She must be eating these cubs. Aw, that's kind of sad.

Okay, the way you describe her cabin is just so refreshing. I don't know why I laughed a little reading "like the woman's waist, the circular cabin bulged outwards". It made me giggle. It shows that you have some character in your writing and not just boring everyday text.

Aw now, why do you have to stretch it's body like that? That's just rude. Uh oh, there's a scratching noise.

Oh, you can't do this sir. When you have 'new world' creatures such as these, you can't just say their names and not describe them further. It just leaves a blank canvas for the reader. They won't like to have to read definitions about the wild vunaki. You may have this further described in the future, but for it to be within the first chapter, you're going to have to go into more detail here. It's very hard to picture, which is strange since everything else you describe is so clear. It'll turn away the reader, and that's not good. You have so much beauty in your writing and it would be terrible to throw them off just because of this.

That's so funny. She seems very disproportional. She's a round young woman who has bony hands. Poor soul :XD:

Aw she hurt the thingy. I feel kind of bad for it. I'm not sure if I like this girl so far. She seems rude and reckless. Oh, and then she just drops the bloodied pipe on the ground like it's part of her home area. Oh maybe that's exactly what you wanted. Ah, you clever dog ^-'

Ah now, what is this cloak? "Tonight, it would finally be destroyed." Interesting. It's strange that she searched for an object meant to be destroyed in the first place. This makes me wonder what will happen once it is destroyed. So she's young but has so much stuff? She must be a hoarder '.- Oh and now she has a trove too? I say she should seek help for this little addiction.

Glowing light! Don't walk towards it! It'll taint you with it's beauty! ...Wait, maybe she needs that... Oh, well she ran up the ladder. Yes, I finally have the ability to yell at characters and they listen. Hahaha!

The leaves she crushed returned! I had a feeling they would ^^ Well, there goes the cloak. And with a nice aftershock too. Well done. Oh, burning the cloak is a way to use it? Strange world :XD: I figured it was just not her style anymore.

Now things get more interesting. I like this imagery and this feel you bring. It makes me so curious to keep reading. So, I will!

Oh snap. Everything is being engulfed by flames both around her and in vision. This seems so scary, and what's with the demon? Oh and it's not even real? Nice. That would freak me out too you, wise, ugly, young, disproportional, woman. Spooky~ She should definitely warn people about all of that.

Okay, in all, this was an interesting way to start off. Your imagery is what makes your story so far. Though it's hard to get into your world, I see that it won't be hard to imagine after just a few chapters. It flows well and the ending definitely catches your attention. It's interesting enough to get a reader hooked and I believe that's what'll bring readers to the next one. I'll gladly be back to read the others soon ^-^ I hope I helped in some way~
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
First off, thank you so much for reading through this. And so quickly!

I've had so much trouble with the 'new words'. I've had people telling me different things all over the place. Some say it's fine how it is. Some say that describing them through the narrative doesn't work because then it's too expositional. Some say I need to explain more (and that the pop-ups help). And some, like you, want that description that some people don't want! WHAT TO DO!?

The idea, in the beginning, was to write as though someone from that world would understand. So saying 'It's nearly the Marsatt Season' wouldn't bother them, because they'd know what that means. I understood very quickly that didn't work for readers, who had no idea, so I came up with the popups, to give more info if the reader wanted them. It's a difficult one to get right, and I don't think I'm there yet. If I added a little more description of what they looked like into the narrative, keeping the pop ups for those who really want to know more, would that work?
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:iconkathraw:
KathraW Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
Okay, first off, Deviant Art readers are going to be a bit more picky than normal readers at the bookstore. Reason why? They get to leave comments and play with the author some. I say, because I've talked with agents before, be more narrative with them. I understand the 'casual' feel you wish to bring to these words, but you need to describe them just a bit more. I personally didn't look at your descriptions and found some things easy to picture and others impossible. Like the dead caucuses, I have no clue what they look like really. I say delve into your wonderful imagery talents and use it creatively while keeping the name still somewhat causal. Just be relaxed with your words, if that makes sense.
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, that totally makes sense. Thanks
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:iconkathraw:
KathraW Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012
*Phew. I find myself terrible at trying to describe stuff to people. You're welcome ^-^
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:iconburnxlove:
BurnXlove Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Student Writer
This is an absolutely amazing introduction the the series. I'd love for this to be published, I know many people that might not be able to set it down once picked up! It's amazingly put together, and I can't wait to see what happens. Faithful readers, this is going to be an amazing book!
Also,
My friend and I are writing a novel together, and could you give us a bit of advice? I can give you the first chapter of ours, and half of the second. Can you tell us how we are? I'd love to get feedback.
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for your comments, they really mean a lot! =D

And yeah, send me a link and I'll have a read through it for you ^^
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:iconburnxlove:
BurnXlove Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012  Student Writer
Reply
:icontaomega20:
taoMega20 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is gonna be a great book, I can tell.
You should get it professionally published.
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Aww thanks =D
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:icontaomega20:
taoMega20 Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I just stated the truth. Can you take a look at mine and give me an honest assessment please?:yoda:
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, I'll give it a look over =)
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:iconnykol-haebrd:
nykol-haebrd Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well written! This story looks really interesting :)
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I hope you enjoyed it :squee:

I look forward to your feedback on any other chapters you read :)
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:iconnykol-haebrd:
nykol-haebrd Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure thing :)
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:iconbetsy85:
betsy85 Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012
My thought on the intro as I read it.

First impression is that you are good at description. You begin your story with a forest were your introduced to the many protagonist, only one of which is human. It follows a sequence: shadow to tree, tree to bird, bird to leaves, and leaves to human. That may sets the pace for your story. Which I think is fine. Let audience ride along. She is an old woman taking them on a journey and she is a strange old woman at that.

Where I think you story needs work is your introduction to the main protagonist of this scene. You revealed too much of her at get go. Let them see her like any stranger meeting her for the first time would. When reading your description of her, I learned that she was outcast character: she is dirty, crude (she spits), she is inadequately dressed for winter, and her teeth are rotted out. If you encountered a women like this in our world you probably think that she homeless or even unable to care for her self. Let audience ride along with her for a while. Let audience think she crazy old woman collecting leaving leaves and caring god knows what in her sack. Even the description of her house screams hoarder!

I felt like you could have left the line, “Her face was young, but there was enough wisdom in her eyes for a thousand lifetimes, and though her body was round, her bones could be seen with an age beyond her years.” Don’t tell them she is wise. Let the audience ride along with their preconceptions for a while. Then slowly peel away their expectations. She comes to her hut. Then you give them the first clues that this woman isn’t what audience would expect her to be. Reveal her little by little. Then have empty her empty her bag, showing that she smarter than she looks. Your story just rolls from that point on. You can introduce her “true age when you’re talking about the cloak. The world it came from no longer exists. It is lost in past or depending on the direction of you story the future.

I had small issue with the destruction of the cloak. The young/old woman decides that it is time to destroy some ancient relic from her “youth.” Why now? Why today? She has had it for a long time, right? What was special about today? At first I kept thinking. “Maybe it is evil?” I thought. Then as read on I got an impression that she has been playing with it for while. She has been trying to use it. This is the first time she abused it. Why not make clear to the audience if this is the case that she trying to get a reaction from it. Use the concept of irony to suddenly twist up the story. She wants to see the future, but when she sees it she doesn’t like it.

Over all it was excellent read. I hope you don’t take offence to my feed back. Let me know if this was any hell or no help at all.
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for reading =D

I really appreciate your comments and the thought you've put into them; it's an interesting idea. I wonder if you might be right, too? I do give quite a lot of information about this woman, who is actually only a minor character in the scheme of things, but in nonetheless very important. It's an interesting idea to keep more of her information hidden, but then, I hope I don't give too much away already. My aim was to keep her separate from the main story, which begins in the next chapter.

I'd never take offence from any feedback, from you or anyone else. Unless, you know, if it's actually just, 'you suck', but no one's been like that so far haha

It was a great help to hear your thoughts on what you think, and also how you would improve this section. I would love to hear what you think of the others ;p
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:iconbetsy85:
betsy85 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012
I get to it soon maybe by Friday.
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:icontimekeepersdaughter:
timekeepersdaughter Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2012
I read it!

You write well, I like the descriptions. Its a very visual and beautiful chapter.

A bit of a pedantic point but I would maybe change this bit slightly;

'The never-ending fight for survival battled on through the ancient woodland groves and the raging rapids of the River Owk that carved a path westward long ago.

The already freezing air sent a sudden chill blustering through Liaport.'

As I thought the use of 'the' to start both sentances jarred it slightly for me but you may disagree.

Also there's quite a lot of new things to kind of take in in the first chapter but I'm not sure whether I feel negatively or positively about this so I'm going to read the next chapter and get back to you on how I feel on this point!

Overall I really like your style of writing and I like the beauty of your writing and the world you've created. The end of the chapter is great as well; makes the reader want more.

Like it a lot, its clearly been very well thought out.

:-)
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for reading!

I think enough people have commented on the 'alienness' of the world to warrant a slight rethink about how I'm going to do it. My latest though is footnotes: information that doesn't add to the plot, but adds to the understanding of the world.

I think this is the most descriptive of the sections, or at least it's the most heavy chapter. Once the main characters are introduced in the next chapter, speech begins to take over. I mean, there are still descriptions throughout, but spread over more text. The first chapter was meant to immerse the reader in the world, descriptively.

As for the two uses of 'the' what would you suggest changing them to? Just reorder them? ie 'A sudden chill blustered through the already freezing air.'
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:icontoska9:
toska9 Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2012
Hi there! :wave:
As you have requested, I am taking time to look at your TFS!! Even decided to squeeze it in before I go away, as I fear I will forget it if I don't do it now.
I am going to take some time on this one, as you did me the same courtesy with my piece that you commented on. Please be aware that I am going to write comments as I read, so if my writing is disjointed and rambling....

1. You use some wonderfully descriptive words. For example, 'huddling trees'. Lovely! I am assuming that this describes trees close together, not a type of tree...

2. You tend to overuse the poor old comma! Some examples...'damp, soil floor'; 'depth of the woodlands, and...' and 'wind waned, and'. In all of these examples, my understanding of grammar is that the commas are unnecessary. There are other instances too. The problem with commas is that they break the flow of reading. Only use them when they should be used, or as a deliberate mechanical tool. You could also consider replacing commas with - either side of an inserted idea.

3. Unlike other commentators, I have no problems with you using accented words in this piece. Words written as they are spoken in dialect don't necessarily have to follow the rules of grammar or spelling, as long as its clear that they are dialect or that the speaker has an accent. If not overdone, it can add to a piece and give an idea of the nature of a character in the story.

4. I like that you have kept your paragraphs short. Especially for on-screen reading, the attention span of many readers (I raise my own hand here) is short and the sight of great chunks of writing can be offputting. Also, spacing the paragraphs apart makes it easier to read online.

5. I have read the comments of lycan-rising below and tend to agree with the part about the renaming of already-known Earthly things. I find it a little jarring to have so many new words in a story. Yes, you do go on to explain things later. My own humble suggestion is this: if an animal is a cat, call it such. If it is a particular type of cat, unique to your own world, call it a XYZ cat. By all means, go on to describe it, but by stating that it is a cat the reader does not have to wonder. Keep the new, unique words for the things that are special to both your world and the plot...I find I can relate best to the stories which leave the unknown or newness to the plot, the characters or or some other plot device (technology, politics, religion, morals) but always relate it back to what we know.

I really enjoyed reading this. You have given us an intriguing start to your story. Please don't take my above comments as criticism: they are meant in a supportive way. I hope they have been helpful to you and you find my humble opinions of some use! =D
:hexentanz:
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the comment; I really appreciate it!

As you point out, I am awful with commas. I just, love them! Though seriously, I know I need to cut down on using them - in random places. The problem is that I put commas wherever I would pause when I talk. Logically, I must talk in really fragmented phrases. =O

Ideally, I would want to indent and format it like it would be in a book. But, since dA doesn't seem to want to let me do that, I figure this is the best choice for what I've got. I read lots of others that just seem to be lumped all together and it gets really hard to read for a long time.

The final point you make is a tricky one; one I've thought long and hard about. Hopefully, I've found a way to keep my original intent... but also describe things in more detail so its not as alienating. My issue is that while a vunaki may be modelled on a cat, and its movement follows the same idea, it's not a cat anymore; it's a vunaki. I hope by adding pop-ups to these foreign words, I can explain what it looks like, how it moves and any extra details without compromising the flow of the story. I'd love to hear what you think about this system, if it works or not, and if you think any other words you, personally, would like explained in the same manner.

As for criticism, I never do! Obviously, someone saying, "I didn't like it," isn't helpful. But your comments are justified and help me improve! So thank you.
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:icontoska9:
toska9 Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012
I am leaving on my trip tomorrow, but when I return I will try to read another chapter...
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:iconlycan-rising:
lycan-rising Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well, it certainly is an interesting start. You mentioned in your note that you were creating a whole new world and wanted to know if it worked. Well, the thing that I realized quite quickly is that the world doesn't feel particularly new. And as such, it works. There are lots of examples of what I'm trying to explain but it is best summed up by going "this doesn't as much feel like a new world as it does re-naming certain parts of our current one and twisting some animals into different shapes."

I don't mean this as a harsh criticism, I'm just stating what comes to mind when I read about a moon (not every planet has a moon and some have multiple), wood (which is a pretty earthly thing), feathers (i'd say this is particular to earth) and especially the female gender. So all in all, this doesn't strike me as an entirely new world. Just earth re-named with fantasy creatures. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a bad thing. After all, all humans know of is earth and if you try to go super realistic into life on other planets it'd probably turn out badly because we only know what is on our planet and trying to imagine anything else is inevitably based on what we know. So I suppose the end result is you have a world that will immediately work because it's based on something real.

as for the writing...I enjoyed it. there's plenty of description and suspense. It is entertaining. So let's see where you go from here.
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for your lengthy reply, it is appreciated.

I may have to rephrase what I meant be a 'whole new world' as what you're talking about is a bit of an issue. As much as I would love to have a completely redesigned planet, with a book it's not that possible. You need a point of reference. I initially tried it this way, but it didn't work. Describing the things in my head without calling a tree, well a tree, even if it looks different, didn't work. It's annoying, but its true. A group of trees, is therefore a wood, however you look at it. This is the same for animals, I can give them different names, different descriptions, but unless I describe their movements and features in a recognisable way, people don't easily understand. I want the novel to be accessible, so unfortunately, I had to dial down the 'newness' a little.

What I meant by a 'whole new world' is that it doesn't have what you would recognise as 'fantasy' - orks, centaurs, goblins etc. I don't want to steal ideas from someone else, this isn't a world/planet anyone has been before. And yes, the people living there are basically human, but I never call them as such. By rights, they are Truainians. They're met by Chalders and Demorans, which differ by DNA and slightly by looks.

I totally understand what you're saying, but unfortunately, like you said, it doesn't work to go completely new.

As for the writing, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I really hope you continue reading, I'd love to hear what you think about the next chapter in particular.
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:iconvshaw:
VShaw Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012
A wonderful opening chapter, FS.

Your world is captivating, and I can't wait to read more. Your work is polished, flows very well and as a reader, I was simply absorbed by the narrative.

I wish I could enjoy this on Kindle. A treat to read. :)
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much; I'm glad you were so absorbed!

I've spent a lot of time on it, so it's really appreciated that someone thinks that its polished, and flows well! :squee:

I hope, if you have time, you enjoy the rest of the series just as much =D
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:iconhelixhartgrove:
HelixHartgrove Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012
The eerie feeling at the end is my favorite!
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks =D

AND thanks for the fave :squee:
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:iconhelixhartgrove:
HelixHartgrove Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012
Yeah!
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:iconthingmebob:
thingmebob Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012
Very good - A very interesting first chapter, filled with mystery. Nice work :)
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks =D
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:iconisleintheskye:
IsleintheSkye Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Student Writer
Very nice! I'd try and edit, since I really love it when people take the time, but I don't really see anything! 'Maybe you could describe the animals some more.' thought I. 'I do, later on!' said you. Otherwise, I think its great. I don't necessarily agree with the changes from yer to ye, though. I think it adds to character when the person has a slight accent. That might be the death of me someday =D no one will be able to understand my characters!
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for your comments =)

It's hard getting the accent right, in fact one of the characters you meet later on has an even strong accent! Let's just see what people think of that ;)
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:iconisleintheskye:
IsleintheSkye Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Student Writer
Mwahahahaha!
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