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:iconthefs:
I think this piece is actually really well written, on the most part. And it's a nice surprise to find something that actually takes the time to sort out punctuation and find some interesting vocabulary.

I did notice a couple of things as I read through it though.
-There's not much description of the cell. At least, not through actual visual imagery. The only idea I have is from a stereotypical 'medieval cell'. I don't know if that's right. It doesn't have to be long, but a couple of words here and there might make it feel more in depth.
-Some of the information about the Black Rats is a bit unstructured. I know they're basically his thoughts, and they can be a little chaotic. But, through the narration, it needs to at least be set out in an easy to follow order of thoughts.
-There's a little confusion with tenses at a few points. You use 'this' and 'now' which suggests present tense, but yet the majority of the narration is in the past.
-And there's another thing: the narration. Is it meant to be Eliroh's thoughts, or an omniscient narrator? The questions he asks lead me to think they're eliroh's thoughts. But yet 'If Eliroh was shocked by the judgement...' breaks the omniscience of the narrator. I'm not too clear on that.
-As a little tip, I've found it's good to set thoughts out clearly by using ".." for speech, and '...' for thoughts. Maybe even just italicise thoughts to make them different?

As far as the story goes, I thought it was actually really well done. It deals with the reality of the situation nicely.
OH as a note maybe for the whipping - he's got long hair right? He's bent over and his hair is unfastened.. No one is going to be able to see his face, so what does it matter if he cries? No one is going to see. Maybe, then, is could be the screaming he is afraid of, and his tears are the release for that pain? You describe the whipping in such a good way, and the confusion of the narrative is good. It was my favourite part!
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:iconthe-magic-within:
The-Magic-Within Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much. I appreciate the time you took to read through and write this, and I'm glad that you seem to like it. :)

The story is being told by a narrator, but there are some insights to Eliroh's thoughts. That said though, while it is a narrator telling the story, it is not intended that they know anymore that the character on which they are focused at that time, so omniscient is maybe not how I would describe them. In future parts I have distinguished between the narrator and Eliroh's thoughts using italics, but I do realise I should've done this from the beginning, to make it clearer.

The tense is supposed to be the past, but I will keep an eye on that.

In terms of his not wanting to be seen crying, there is also an element of his personality not allowing him to cry. As a man, he won't want to admit that he cried.

Once I've finished writing this, I intend to redrafting, as there is a lot that I want to change, so I will bear this in mind when I do so.

Thanks again. :D
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I did enjoy it, I just thought I'd send a few of my thoughts. Some of them might be useful haha ;)
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