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:iconthefs:
My name’s Ed, hello! I’ll be leaving you feedback thanks to #SuperWritersHelp!

I love the opening. It’s very simple and very effective. The progression from italics, to regular, to bold works well to heighten the effect. Even after finishing reading, I’m not sure what the desired effect was, but nonetheless, I think it works well.

Some specific notes/comments:
-I’d be temped to have “That won’t help.” on a line of its own. It’s more cutting.
-“I sighed. Slouching, shuffling to the side a little.” – lovely alliteration
-How can you ‘tak[e] in the stark white colour’ of a room. This doesn’t really mean anything. What effect does it mean? By taking something in, there needs to be a reaction on the part of the ‘taker-iner’. It could be more interesting to hear its effect.
-"Here." (capital S)he reached into her pocket(period) Her hand reappear(ed) with a pen and butterfly pin.” – the use of ‘ing’ modifies the last action, in this case reaching into her pocket. You use ‘reappearing’ as an inverse modifier that actually creates another action in a chronological order. They need to be stated as separate.
-“She took another step, turned my face.” – there should either be an ‘and’ between these two clauses, or a semicolon and ‘she’.
“She took another step and turned my face.”
“She took another step; she turned my face.”
-“I didn't fight it.” – nice. It’s simple, but effective at portraying their relationship, and trust.
-“Only stared blankly at the mirrored image of the entire room.” – this sentence is missing a subject. Could be rephrased as: ‘I stared blankly at…’
-“The shape moved, slightly, ever so slightly. An almost blindingly cold blue.” – favourite line. The repetition is good, and the image of blindingly cold blue (alliteration) works really well. A good, creative job.
-The end is equally creative. It’s like a dream, where you wake up before the actual important discovery. I really like it. It leaves the meaning ambiguous.

Overall, it’s a lovely piece, with a good amount of description. There’s not much by the way of explanation, but I think that doesn’t matter. You’ve created a new world through character decisions (like the acceptance of whatever happened with the butterfly) and it seems real enough for the reader to accept and enjoy.

There’s nothing really I can say to improve it. It’s wonderful how it is! =D
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconentitaria:
Entitaria Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's still given me a lot to work with actually, my other pieces are quite similar, so those might need some improvement as well. I've made a few of the changes you suggested, although I went a slightly different way with when 'she reached into her pocket', not because I didn't understand the suggestion, but because when I write, I like the words to 'flow' in a sense, so they sound 'nice' phonetically - that was the reason for the mistakes between 'She took another step, turned my head' and 'Only stared blankly...'.

And with that, thank you for the absolutely lovely critique. :love:
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Of course, all of these comments are only suggestions. The work needs to remain yours, and you can do with my comments what you will haha

I hoped I helped :thanks:
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:iconentitaria:
Entitaria Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Ahaha~ I see, and it did help, regardless. (:
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