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Right then. It's quite a long chapter, so quite a lot happens.

I can't say too much about the introduction of characters, since I haven't read the first chapter. All I can say, is that they seem to be nicely defined and clear. I did get a little confused occasionally, but the use of the nickname and other little traits make them different enough be work. This is the same for the goblins: there's quite a few of them, and I thought I was going to start getting muddled up, but I didn't - so well done for that!

I don't know whether it is just because my novel is similar - in the fact there are plenty of 'foreign' words (words I've made up) - I managed to keep track of everything quite easily.

There are a couple of spelling and grammatical mistakes, such as you use 'good' in place of 'could', and 'safe' instead of 'save' in 'save one'. But then, I guess, as English isn't your first language, it's very impressive work.

Just as a formatting thing, it might be a good idea to separate some of the text so it's easier to read through. There are quite a few big chunks of block text and it can be a little daunting.

I think you have a good use of violence in this section. There is a nice contrast between the family-ness at the start and then bludgeoning towards the end. I don't think it's overdone at all. It's stated as what it is, and that's good. In fact, in general: it's a very nicely put together story. Like the use of the muddied clothes to hide the fact he is a noble. It's simple, and it works well!

If I was going to say to improve anything, it would be working on simplifying and making some of the sentences more concise. It's not really a major thing, but it might help keep the pace up - especially at the beginning where not a lot of action takes place and is very dialogue-heavy.

OH, and for a final tip... I've found its quite helpful to distinguish from speech and thought by formatting them differently. Say for speech you do use "...", but for thoughts you use '...' or even italicise it to make a clear difference.
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TheFS Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I do scriptwriting at University, so i know quite a lot about speech.

There's a fine line between having too much (waffling) and not having enough. The trick is to be economical. So, cut down on the speech, only say what is really needed. If there is a way to say several things with one sentence.. do it. It's quite hard actually getting in what is needed without putting in what's not.

I think, here, there may be a little bit too much speech. But it does set up the characters well. It could be an idea to go through line by line and economise on speech. Find a faster way of saying what needs to be said.
Walt-Marsters Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
Excellent idea about the "speech and thought" thing. That could be real helpful; thanks!
Yeah, these damn spelling errors. I keep rereading everything several times and still, some manage to survive! I shall have to do even more editing in the future!
As for the characters, none of them appear in the first chapter, so I am glad you didn't find them too confusing. I have a tendency of getting a lot of characters in there. I sometimes worry it may get confusing.
It has been pointed out that I sometimes use too much conversation and dialogue. So, if you see this happening as well, please let me now, so I can cut back at it.
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